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Become a better tutor · Module 2: The first lesson

Build rapport that lasts beyond lesson one

Rapport isn’t being liked. It’s a student who keeps turning up, keeps trying and tells you when they’re stuck.

Written by the Brainhub Editorial Team Cites published research Updated 13 Oct 2026 5 min read

The course unlocks one lesson at a time. You can read this now, but it only counts once you’ve finished Tutor, not teacher.

Key takeaways

1. What keeps students going

Self-determination theory, one of the most tested theories of motivation, says people stay motivated when three needs are met: autonomy (some choice and control), competence (feeling able to succeed) and relatedness (feeling connected to others). Take any one away and motivation fades.[1]

Autonomy

“Do you want to start with the quiz or the new topic today?”

Competence

“Three weeks ago you couldn’t start this question. Now you got 4 out of 5.”

Relatedness

“How did the match go on Saturday?” and actually remembering the answer.

2. Warm and demanding

Rapport is not the same as friendship. Students do best with adults who are both warm and demanding: kind about the person, firm about the work. The relationship research shows that quality of relationship and engagement rise together.[2]

So you can be friendly and still insist the homework is done, the phone is away and the question is finished. In fact, holding the line is part of showing you believe they can do it.

Students rarely remember what you taught in week three. They remember whether you believed in them.

3. Small habits, big effect

Keep a line in your lesson notes for personal details: the sport, the sibling, the school trip. Ask about one each lesson. Use their name. Notice effort specifically (“you checked your answer without me asking”) rather than just results.

And when a lesson goes badly, repair it quickly: “Today was tough. That’s normal with this topic. Next week we’ll come at it a different way.”

Try this: Before each lesson, read your last note and pick one personal thing to ask about in the first minute.

4. Find what you have in common

In a randomised experiment, teachers and Year 10-age students filled in a short “get to know you” survey, and some teachers were shown five things they genuinely had in common with particular students. Those teachers rated the relationships more positively, and those students went on to earn higher grades. For students who were usually less well served, the gap closed by more than 60%.[3]

The change happened in the teacher, not the student: knowing what you share changes how you treat someone. So in the first lesson, look for three real things in common (a sport, a place, a show, being the oldest sibling) and write them in your notes.

5. Stay their tutor

A national randomised study of school-based mentoring found that students whose mentoring relationships stayed together improved academically. Those whose relationships ended early saw no benefit, and those who were moved to a new mentor did worse.[4]

Tutoring isn’t mentoring, but the lesson carries over: continuity is part of the impact. Turn up reliably, keep the same slot, and always book the next lesson before this one ends.

Try this: End every lesson with the same line: “Same time next week? I’ll book it now.”

Try it now

Test yourself on this page

Answer in your head first, then check.

  1. 1. What are the three needs in self-determination theory?

  2. 2. Is rapport the same as being their friend?

  3. 3. In the “common ground” experiment, whose behaviour changed?

Your next steps

  • Offer one real choice in each lesson this week.
  • Write down three things you share with each student.
  • Book the next lesson before every lesson ends.

Finished this lesson?

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Sources

  1. Ryan, R. M. and Deci, E. L. (2000). Self-determination theory and the facilitation of intrinsic motivation, social development, and well-being. American Psychologist, 55(1), 68–78. doi:10.1037/0003-066X.55.1.68
  2. Roorda, D. L., Koomen, H. M. Y., Spilt, J. L. and Oort, F. J. (2011). The influence of affective teacher–student relationships on students’ school engagement and achievement: a meta-analytic approach. Review of Educational Research, 81(4), 493–529. doi:10.3102/0034654311421793
  3. Gehlbach, H., Brinkworth, M. E., King, A. M., Hsu, L. M., McIntyre, J. and Rogers, T. (2016). Creating birds of similar feathers: leveraging similarity to improve teacher–student relationships and academic achievement. Journal of Educational Psychology, 108(3), 342–352. doi:10.1037/edu0000042
  4. Grossman, J. B., Chan, C. S., Schwartz, S. E. O. and Rhodes, J. E. (2012). The test of time in school-based mentoring: the role of relationship duration and re-matching on academic outcomes. American Journal of Community Psychology, 49(1–2), 43–54. doi:10.1007/s10464-011-9435-0

This lesson is general professional guidance for tutors. Always follow Brainhub’s safeguarding policy and use your own professional judgement.